so testosterone boys and harlequin girls

as a new legal aged drinker, i've started my research on the proper way to get publicly intoxicated without: a) falling down a flight of stairs, b) dancing topless on a bar, c) heaving up my dinner, and d) going home with a stranger. so far, i have accomplished these goals. it is true that i have only gone on one excursion since the birthday bash, but at least i am not starting off on the wrong foot. i do admit, however, to: a) giving a stranger a lap dance, b) shaking the boobies that i do not have at the bartender in an attempt to get some liquor way after the last call, c) complaining that i should have shaken my voluptuous ass instead to get what i wanted from the smoking hot bartender, and d) asking anyone within 20 feet if they thought my ass was, indeed, voluptuous.
i understand that none of the above acts are at all atrocious, but i do believe that if you set your expectations of yourself slightly higher than you would normally, you will never be that girl actually having sex on the dance floor. not that i have seen that actually happening. i did, however, see someone having sex in a movie theatre. make sure to bring some sterilization kits with you when you go to see "over the hedge" (which comes out friday may 19).
i found that, for me at least, it is absolutely 100% true that, while intoxicated, you believe that you can dance, you take challenges in leaps and bounds, and that you are the wittiest girl a guy could ever meet. i also found that cranberry juice runs out fast at the bar and my friends can smell alcohol on my breath and name the brand.
the challenge given for next week: ask a guy to retrieve the gum from my mouth without using his hands. i really believe that my friends think i need to get laid.